LIFE COMES BEFORE ANOREXIA.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
No turning back. There is no turning back. There is no turning back.
Keep choosing life. Every single time. No matter what.
All I can think about is food today and it is terrifying me. I am blaming the medication for making me hungry but all the medication is doing is helping my body to function normally again and the hunger cues I am feeling is “new” only because my body wasn’t working before.
But now it is and I am terrified because I don’t know how to deal with hunger when there is no logical reason for me to even be hungry so why am I even feeling like this.
Maybe it’s not hunger.
I started a new medication last week after my doctor diagnosed gastroparesis- basically my stomach doesn’t empty at the normal rate so aside from being full permanently, I have been having a lot of pain and bloating.
So now I am on medication which seems to be helping but it means that hunger is coming back and it is TERRIFYING me.
I have no tolerance for being hungry, at all. Never have and it’s one of the things that makes me feel like a “fraud” as an anorexic. People would talk about liking being hungry and I HATED it. I am terrified of binging (my biggest fear) and I can’t concentrate and it’s just so fu*king uncomfortable and empty and….awful.
And I *know* that it’s normal to be hungry before meals and then full afterwards but for so many years I lived with such extreme hunger because I was starving and never experienced true satisfaction from food. (Bloating from high volume low calorie foods and massive amounts of fluids? Yes. Nourished in every cell of my body after a sustained period of eating what my body needed? No).
And now I am somewhere inbetween because my eating habits are still so heavily led by my fear of being hungry and my fluid rituals that started way back when I was restricting heavily and my body has never had a chance to just BE hungry and satisfied and the last few months I have been permanently full which has made it so much easier to eat because the fear around what that meant was gone….but now it’s back and I can’t cope and I don’t think I can keep taking this medication.
I am so self-conscious about my body right now. I don’t know what my weight is (nor do I want to) but I can feel such a difference in my size/shape.
I CAN’T let it have any power over me.
This is my body. And it is going to let me travel the world and hug my nephew and write and laugh and dance and it doesn’t MATTER IF MY THIGHS ARE BIGGER THAN THEY WERE.
I was small because I was starving, I was small because I was dying and now I take up more space and my life is larger and I have grown in proportion and I don’t want to ever go back.
//self pep talk over
Anonymous asked: Question. And I'm asking this because I struggle with a similar issue. Is your food planning a form of OCD or is moreso just an aspect of your ED? Sounds like you're taking the right steps to take control of things. Best of luck! ❤️
I am sorry you are dealing with similar difficulties. I think it can be pretty hard to tell what is eating disorder and what is an underlying disorder but I was "loosely" diagnosed with OCPD earlier this year (I say “loosely” meaning I was tested for various personality disorders and scored highest by far for OCPD but since the treatment is the same for any of the others I’d be diagnosed with*, my team and I have never found it to be helpful/necessary to use labels).
Hope that helps x
I had a really good therapy session this morning.
Finally feel like we are starting to “unpack” why I obsess so much about planning food in advance and matching different meals together like a giant Tetris game instead of choosing things at the time and cutting the ties between meals/snacks and seeing each one as *just* lunch or *just* a snack which I can’t currently do because I need them to fit together “perfectly”.
We’ve never really discussed it in depth before but we did today and although it’s just a beginning….it’s a beginning. And I have some things to think about when my obsessional mode kicks in over the weekend and in 2 weeks, we are having the second part of my review meeting to think about how best to make a care plan to help me really move forward and break free from this part.
Which as terrifying and impossible as it sounds, gives me so much hope :)
Especially when I think about things that were so difficult a year ago and have become so second-nature now.
Feeling a mixture of nervous and optimistic right now.
I think it’s key to feel our feelings — whatever the feeling that comes up. All feelings are valid. So if you’re feeling like crap about your body, then you’re feeling like crap about your body.
It’s something to acknowledge, accept and feel — instead of beating yourself up for beating yourself up.
But sometimes these feelings and thoughts stick around too long. And they start dictating our decisions tonot take kind care of ourselves (which only boosts our negative body image). They become overwhelming. All-consuming. Stressful.
The dislike for our bodies starts spilling into other parts of our lives: We start restricting what we eat, participating in punishing physical activities, skimping on our sleep and believing we’re generally unworthy and undeserving.
oh, I know.
This is when it can help to remind ourselves of the brilliant machines our bodies truly are.
I recently read a quote by Confucius: “I was complaining that I had no shoes ’til I met a man who had no feet.”
I wrote the quote in my journal, and it’s helped me navigate the cycle of negative thoughts. Because our brains naturally tend toward negative thinking. Cultivating gratitude can act as a life jacket during a torrent of terrible remarks.
Instead of complaining that I have a big stomach, maybe I can be thankful that my stomach works properly, and I get to enjoy foods of all flavors.
Instead of complaining about my blemishes, maybe I can be thankful that my features are a combination of both parents (one of whom no longer walks this earth).
Instead of lamenting that some of last year’s clothes don’t fit me, maybe I can be thankful that my doctor just said I’m in good health.
Instead of complaining about my “weak abs,” maybe I can be thankful that I’m able to spend 30 minutes running up the stairs and doing sprints.
Maybe I can be thankful that my legs can move me wherever I want to go. Maybe I can be thankful that I can type this post without any trouble. That my brain, while a bit tired and stressed, isn’t foggy or too forgetful.
That my arms can lift little loved ones. That my hands can feel the softness of my favorite blanket. That my ears can marvel at this magical violin playing. Maybe I can be thankful that my heart beats and my breath is available to me at any moment. At any moment, I can breathe in, and breathe out, and restart.
I know that sometimes gratitude can be annoying and feel fake. But when we’re stuck in a web of body hatred, it may help to put our bodies and our lives in a bigger, more compassionate perspective.
Anything is worth a try at this point…..!
Award-winning author Marya Hornbacher visited Monte Nido EDTNY to speak to clients and staff about recovery and her new afterword to Wasted.
A really inspiring talk about recovery for anyone that doubts it is possible (or hat *they* are the exception) with some brilliant tips in a “Q and A” session at the end. Definitely worth a watch.
Note to self:
One day at a time.
The amount of guilt I am feeling right now for even daring to acknowledge the 5 brief minutes that I
didn’t despise every inch of my body actually felt pretty okay about my body is making me hate myself even more.
The thing about this is….this is so new to me. I have never felt this way about myself or my body or felt guilt like this or ANY of it. Body image is not something I have ever struggled with and it used to annoy me when people spoke about it because it made me feel like I didn’t have “normal” anorexia or I was faking it or there was just something WRONG with me because none of what I was doing made much sense to an outsider.
But now I DO struggle with it and I annoy myself with my whining and self-hating thoughts and I feel shallow for caring about what size my body is and I wish that I didn’t but I don’t know how to stop.