Balancing States of Mind

so many more things I wanted to say about therapy today…so many thoughts right now….so many mixed feelings…

what a mad week

remind me to come back to this tomorrow :)

People in Scotland:

There’s no winning or losing today. It’s 100% about what is BEST forScotland and everyone voted with that in mind and a (small) majority think that the way forward is by staying in the UK. A whole generation is now politically active; it would be devastating for that to be lost now. Democracy doesn’t work if the people don’t. Yes or No are irrelevant, the only loss is if we now become complacent and stop fighting for a better and fairer country.

With that in mind….onwards.

I’ve been quiet this week because I have been overwhelmed (ie, drowning) in pre-referendum anxiety.

Life lately: It’s been an intense week for millions of reasons and it’s been intolerable- looking back, I can see that I dealt with the uncertainty as I always do. Staying busy, obsessing, walking, planning the things that I can plan in an attempt to remove any and all uncertainty from every area in my life if it was in my power to do so.

This has blown up in my face in a bunch of ways. Aside from being exhausted and sore (somehow also managed to cause a flare-up in the injury I have in my spine which is painful and causing my right arm to keep going dead- it’s been years since this was an issue), all my support over the next 3 weekends has been canceled because I couldn’t cope with meeting someone new to cover the shifts when I didn’t know when/who it would be (there was a mix-up with my rotas so I wasn’t sent them). So that is just GREAT *sarcasm*.

Restarting my weekend IP admissions: Things are FINALLY moving forward in terms of restarting my weekend IP admissions. Which has also been ridiculously stressful while I have been waiting and then this week I was told that the ward feel it would be better to come from Monday - Friday instead of long weekends. Which does make sense because there are groups on and more staff around….but equally, weekends at home are when I have much less structure and support and the Mon - Fri feels a long time to be away from the things that are going well right now!

Speaking of going well, some positive stuff :)


….nobody asked for an update but I wanted to write one anyway.

Anonymous asked: what do you mean by food planning? what aspects do you plan?

I plan out all my meals and snacks for the next few days/weeks- then I change one or two things and rewrite my entire plan, then swap one thing around (ie, baked potato instead of rice with dinner) and rewrite it again. I obsess endlessly about different things (calories, different food groups or the number of times in a day/week I have had certain things and all the millions of rules I have)…. then I tear it up the next morning and start again that night. I hate it but can’t seem to help it. x

Can’t take another night of this “food planning/obsessing” HELL.


I am excited and planning on celebrating on Friday. Whatever the result, we have to make the best of it.

I am proud to live in a democratic society, thrilled to see SO many people involved in this historical event. On both sides, I have heard brilliant and articulate arguments from people of all ages and all backgrounds and it’s been incredible to be a part of it.

I am hoping for a “no” vote personally but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love Scotland. Far from it. It means that my belief is that voting “no” is in the best interest of this country. My assessment of all the evidence might differ from yours, but that’s what subjective viewpoints are all about. If we’ve learned anything from this campaign, it’s that this is far from a straightforward decision (not helped by being dragged out for 2 years).

I’ll be glad when Friday comes and raising a toast to the future of Scotland.


ALWAYS choose recovery. 

I keep having these surges of panic that literally make me just fall to the floor, gasping for air, thinking, “I can’t do this anymore”.

But when I try to think what the alternative is…there isn’t one.

I have been living with anorexia since I was 12 (so, 20 years) and I can’t do it anymore. There have been periods that have lasted years where I have “managed” my illness to the extent where I have stayed out of hospital and avoided any acute crisis. Then there have been periods where things have been wildly out of control, emotionally and physically, and my life has been a whirlwind of hospitals and ambulances and crisis after crisis.

I don’t know what was worse.

The “half life” was like walking around, looking at the world through a window. I could see it but I couldn’t touch it. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t be part of it. People were at a distance. Laughter and joy and pain and real emotions were at a distance.

All the things that made me WHO I AM were at a distance.

That glass wall between us was my eating disorder.

I can’t go back to that. 

Knowing what I know now. Knowing what I would be giving up, knowing what I would be losing out on. I’ve more than “seen” through the glass wall. I’ve dared to reach over it and feel the warmth of the other side.

And that is where I want to be. 

But here I am. Stuck inside my glass wall.

I don’t even know how to keep going right now, let alone how to take the next step of smashing down this glass wall.

And how do I do that?..

The Herald's view: we back staying within UK, but only if there's more far-reaching further devolution | Herald Scotland   

For the anon who I just told that The Herald were biased towards the “Yes” campaign- an unexpected twist in today’s news.

Last of my referendum posts, I promise.

My anxiety is through the roof today. I feel like I have tripled in size overnight and I need to go for a walk to clear my head but my foot is injured again which is making me panic even more because I worry about how soon it will be back to normal and I can walk again and then end up in a cycle of walking as much as I can whilst I can and….

….where did yesterday’s positivity go?

Really need to get outside, slowly walk and CALM DOWN.

My body is no different than it was yesterday. And even if it was, it doesn’t matter. I am not my body.

I am not my body.

Sorry, I’ve missed something. What is going to happen on Thursday? Can I help you in any way? Namaste xx

The referendum! x